Stuck In a Moment

I hear it's particularly normal to have bizarre dreams about exes in the months prior to your wedding. What they didn't tell me is that the love of my life from 6 yrs ago was going to contact me for the first time in nearly 4 years!

How can I explain Drew in one short paragraph? He was the bright spot in my day, the happy-go-lucky guy whose dimple made me smile and who was my best friend during the darkest time of my life. He witnessed the irrational behavior of my controlling husband, listened when I needed to talk and gave me the courage to extricate myself from the situation for good. He could read my thoughts, dreams and fears through pure eye contact and quickly transformed from best friend to best love, fully and completely appreciating me for me and all of my little intricacies. Even on bad days, he would cancel his plans, sit me down, give me a massage and make me dinner. He was passion, intensity and bliss in a protected little bubble. No one could come between us. No one except the ex husband who was still not officially my ex because my faith made me too torn to go through with the offical proceedings after a year and a half. At the end, Drew decided to join the Navy and I was less than supportive. Between that and my slow effort to action, I pushed him away for good and I have never fully forgiven myself for it. He was the biggest love and biggest loss of my entire life.

A year later, in 2004, Drew, the punk rock bass player married a recent transplant from Mexico who knew little English and left for boot camp.

Last November, I found Drew on a mutual friend's myspace page and sent him a quick hello. I was genuinely curious how he was doing, since last I heard, he had shipped off to Guam. I noticed he hadn't signed in since August though, so I didn't expect much.

Last week, as I was driving to pick Ian up from school, an old song came on that Drew had put on the last cd he ever made me, themed accordingly to subliminally suggest that I make up my mind once and for all and move forward. Thinking back to the idiot I was for not realizing it until it was too late, I decided I might dig up his old e-mail and send him a letter. It had been cathartic for me to do with a few others, so why not?

Three days and several e-mails in my head but not actually sent later, Adam and I got home from ordering his wedding band and I checked my myspace to find a shocking e-mail from Drew. It was strange and vague but excited to be back in touch with me. He sent an extremely long letter to my reply...one which provided me with all of the answers that I had wanted from years ago. His marriage was crumbling, he was getting out of the military and he had been thinking about us and wondering if we really were right for one another or not. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried it all out. Suppressed memories came flooding back to me and I was so entirely overwhelmed. It was what I had always wanted, only 6 years too late. His reason for telling me all of it was simply to say that we'll never know what had happened and that he had found himself in my shoes. He had met someone who reminded him of me and now he completely understood why it pained me so much to make such a concrete decision to end my marriage.
After living in the Twilight Zone for the past few days, and being able to fully process all of my raging thoughts, I have come to a few positive conclusions:
1) Giving Drew advice on how to make that difficult choice allowed me to envision what it would be like if I was forced to make that choice now between him and Adam. Years ago, I tried to tell Drew that I was going to give my marriage another shot and that he and I could never be, but when I did, all I could see was the pained look in his sad, green eyes and I just couldn't do it. Now, I couldn't do it to Adam. He is my rock and my life now and no matter how much Drew and I have been through together, I am merely enamoured with the past idea of us and not who we are today.
2) As my dear friend, Jen unwittingly pointed out, maybe this whole communication was to finally show me that Drew finally understands and I am finally released of the years of guilt I have felt for making the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe that mistake was all for the best.
3) The onslaught of memories has helped me fill in the blanks of long forgotten stories for that first novel I began and I haven't been able to stop writing since.

As I said to Drew, there are some people in life who will forever hold a piece of your heart because of all you went through together. I'm glad that little fragment is at least in good hands.

Now, all is right with the world, and I had a sex dream about Joey McIntyre last night. Go figure.